


Fabian's Schedule

by Bilbo_Swaggins



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Body Dysphoria, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Future Tense, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), M/M, POV Second Person, Racist Language, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Fabian, Underage Drinking, trans fig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26108887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bilbo_Swaggins/pseuds/Bilbo_Swaggins
Summary: A day in the life of Fabian Aramais Seacaster, Who is Doing Fine, please do not ask again.
Relationships: Ragh Barkrock/Fabian Aramais Seacaster
Kudos: 24





	Fabian's Schedule

**Author's Note:**

> First fic ever is just making fabian sad. How me. Anyway here are some resources for mental health and substance abuse https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline,https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline.

4:00 am: Get up, dawn is coming and with it training with your mother and Cathilda. Work out by yourself to take initiative. 100 extra push ups and 100 extra squats because you and the Bad Kids went out for Basrars yesterday. You will weigh yourself. 168.3. You went down 1 pound 7 ounces since you weighed yourself after dinner yesterday (Ice water, romaine lettuce and a tin of fish is a meal, no matter what Jawbone says). Could do better though, could always do better Fabian.

5:29 am: Your mother will stagger in to train you. She's hungover, again. She's been hungover for a year now but at least she's here so you have to be grateful for that

7:15 am: Finish training with your mother and Cathilda. You beat Cathilda but you don't beat her. Story of your life huh? Your mother will have assigned you a full ration, though she stopped doing anything but after spring break. The meal consists of an egg white and spinach omelet, a tin of kippers, Bruleed tomatoes, fresh fruit and a green juice. To take initiative you eat exactly an eighth of it and put the rest in a Tupperware for the Ball or one of your other friends to eat. Your dance coach told you to lose a pound or 20 before regionals next month and you're nothing if not a good listener. Cathilda and gilear (god why is he still here??????) will look at you sadly, and you'll say that you're not hungry (that's a lie, your last full meal was months ago, not that you have a problem with food. It's just you like to be in control of your body. That isn't a problem.)  
7:30 am: Shower and look at yourself in the mirror while you waste water for gilear's shower. You look like your parents. You have her eyes and his smile with the gap in the front and her curves that won't go away no matter how hard you try and her addictions and his fears and their trauma and… The mirror fogs, Get in the shower. Use the coconut hair pudding to define your curls. It's Tuesday which means Ragh will drive the other Bad Kids by your house at 8:37 and you want to look your best.  
7:47 am: Get out the shower, make sure there is no hot water for gilear, who will ask you for a ride, again. God you should get that man a bicycle or a bus pass so he can leave you alone. Go get dressed. You probably will pick the black Balenciaga sneaker with the army green Off White romper with the black Gucci messenger bag. Kristen will probably yell at you for supporting Off White but remind her that she's regular white. That always shuts her up. Ignore your stomach growling. 

7:58 am: Put on make up, not enough for you to get misgendered but enough to cover up the bags that are starting to form under your eyes. You're 17, you'll think about how normal kids don't have bags under their eyes. You'll remember that you are not Ordinary, You're Fabian Aramais Seacaster and You're Doing Great. You will see a picture of yourself from 8th grade on your mirror. It was when you moved to Solace. Your Papa was holding your Mama and you. You were all smiling, that Fabian does not have bags under his eyes, that Fabian looks, happy, enough, even though he has a 27 inch waist and you almost cry at the thought of getting that big again. You will shake that thought away. You're Fabian Aramais Seacaster and You're Doing OK. 

8:15 am: Tell Cathilda and Mama goodbye, and notice them Argue about something before they each give you a kiss and send you out the door. Your mother will threaten you with some manner of death if gilear is late again. Mutter under your breath that if he didn't want to be late he'd have his billionaire sugar mama buy his car back from Uber. Fill your infinity water bottle with ice water.  
Take the hangman out. Argue with gilear over giving him a ride for 20 minutes. Make him walk. Remember what your mother said. Drive him to the bus station. 

8:40 am: Get to school, pop some gum and ignore how your stomach sounds. It's how Janice Dickinson did it. Meet up with the other Bad Kids. Adaine will tell you to chew your gum quieter. You'll chew louder to spite her. Take out the Tupperware and distribute the fruits of Cathildas labor amongst your friends. They will be appreciative, save Adaine, who will always ask why you bring food. You'll share a look with Fig and say as his friends they are entitled to whatever you have, including breakfasts that you won't say you don't think you deserve to eat. You'll drink the green juice and it will taste like health. You get 3 temp hp. It doesn't feel earned

8:45 am: Gorgug and The Ball will get there, a little late because the bus broke down and Gorgug helped fix it. God what an angel.His jacket will be tied around his waist, and you can see the arms he got from bloodrush. Think about your best friend's arms. Stop thinking about your best friend’s arms. He has a girlfriend and you have a very very good boyfriend. You think about having two. The bell will ring, you will go to class.

9:15 am: Skip homeroom (you can hear gilear stutter over the announcements from anywhere in the school) to hang out in the gender neutral bathroom on the 3rd floor of the magic building with Fig. Fig will be throwing up her own breakfast ( 2 sunny side up eggs, a piece of toast and some red juice, it's always red juice in that household). You will hold her hair back and tell her to stop. She tells you to have a meal. You both will be cowed into submission. You will both take your hormone injections. You'll stick her with all the love Cathilda did when you were younger. Fig will stick you like you owe her money. It is a good trade off you will think. She will brush her teeth again. She will wash her mouth out with the liquor she stole from that 30 year old doctor she was seeing. You will shudder about thinking of your 16 year old friend seeing a man old enough to be her dad. She will offer you some liquor. You'll be reminded of your mother, passed out in front of the pool or in her room or in that stupid fucking egg, smelling more like wine than her perfume as you take a swig. No one has ever called Fabian Aramais Seacaster a killjoy. 

10:15 am: You and Fig will go to bard class. You will think this is the class you should have skipped because it's a bunch of wannabe theater kids trying to out-harpy the other by singing white ass musicals or Taylor swift. You and Fig will go into the dance studio. She has been clamoring to watch your competition piece and you are nothing but a people pleaser. Plus she will give you the best feedback out of all the Bad Kids (that means she sounds the most like your parents, which is to say both too and not critical enough). She will talk about your turn out and your arabesque and she will say you will most likely win regionals. The voice in the back of your head will say you'll break your ankle on stage and have to drown yourself in the river to make up for the shame you caused your family. You will take both into equal consideration. 

11:10 am: You go to fighter class in the gym. You take class with the seniors because of your record from the last two years. Some seniors will look at your ass and chest and whistle while you parry a group of champions. You will feel very uncomfortable but you will not stop fighting. You will not look weak. You will pop a piece of gum as you step off the mat, their eyes burning holes in your skin like the fire elemental did but this won't make you feel like yourself. This will make you feel broken and unworthy, like the dolls your father threw into the trash compactor while he was on snuff when you were six. You do not like this feeling. 

12:15 pm: Lunch. Cathilda will have packed your food because you do not like the swill gilear the lunch lad serves. She will have packed cauliflower risotto, grilled salmon, a spring salad (no dressing, just a lemon) and a little note with both your Mama's and Cathilda's handwriting saying she loves you. You will pocket the note before the Bad Kids get to the table and You will take your meal down to gilear, who will eat it because he always forgets his own food. Just like he keeps forgetting to leave your house. You pop another piece of gum and drink some ice water. Gorgug will ask if you are going to eat. You will say that The Ball has turned you off food. He will try to kick you under the table, his legs will not reach so he will hiss at you instead. You will stick your tongue out And Laugh. All the Bad Kids will l Laugh. Gorgug will not. Gorgug will look at you the way Cathilda does when you only have a quarter or an eighth or no ration at all. You will feel horrible. You will chew your gum harder because you, Fabian Aramais Seacaster, are no quitter, even if Gorgug's face is breaking your heart.

1 pm: You will be in the same bathroom as you were in the morning, with the same Fig. You will not be skipping class, as much as Fig would like to. You both have independent hours at this time, used by Adaine to study and Gorgug to tinker and the Ball to investigate and Kristen to commune with gods and you to watch your step sister throw up while you fix your outfit and makeup. You will catch a glimpse of accursed chest and button your romper until it chokes your neck. You think of the conversations you have in this bathroom, about seeing Jawbone and going to clinics and getting better, as if there's a better for people like you. You will think of pamphlets in Jawbones office with skinny high elven girls (girls who look like Adaine and Aelwyn, the prototypes and arbitrators of struggle) that neither of you could ever look like or be as much as you try. You will think of being taken seriously. You will think of being held and not fearing breaking. You will think of Gorgug. You will hear a toilet flush and a flask unscrew and you will think of your mother, always there but never seeing you. You'll take a drink. 

1:30 pm: You will go to your common core classes, Common, Mathematics and Elvish. You will sleep with one eye open, (hard to do for you but you'll manage, you always do) and with a recorder to catch the lessons. Every thing must look effortless, even your slacking. You will think of how you know more halfling than high Elvish. Hard to know a language with no conversation partner but you push down your resentment. Better that she's here now and she's trying now and that she loves you. Thats more than Adaine got, so you will suck it up, There Is Nothing Wrong With You.

3:00 pm: Get ready for Bloodrush Practice. You will get to the locker room early, change early, probably in a bathroom stall, avoiding every mirror and shower and camera (what creepy fuck put cameras near the locker rooms anyway). You will have an hour before you actually start practice. To take initiative you start your workouts on the field early. you do some extra burpies because Ragh no doubt wants to go to a steakhouse or some Orcish place that is so Ragh. He probably will feed you little bites from his plate and you will feel better than you have in ages. You will feel safe and cared for and seen. You will earn that stability in burpies at practice. 

4:00 pm: Practice officially starts. You will practice fakeouts and tackles and catches from down field. You will run until you see spots. You will stagger but keep going. Seacasters aren't quitters. Gorthalax will want to talk to you again. Something about concern for your wellbeing or some other bullshit people say when they want to take something from you or give you another pamphlet with another girl who looks just like Adaine on it. You will make a break for the showers, dodging questions and linemen like it's your job. You will make it to the showers and get ready for dinner. Gorthalax will have placed the litter in your locker. The girl (it's always a girl isn't it?) on the front looks strong, human. The pamphlets will say "Eating Disorders in Athletes: It's not just a High Elf thing ". He will give the pamphlets to everyone to not single anyone out. Eyes go away from you. You feel singled out anyway.

5:45 pm: Ragh will pick you up for dinner. He will kiss you sweetly and you will spit out your gum. He drives you to the place (Orcish, again. You think of what it's like knowing about your culture) and holds your hand inside. He orders for you because you can't pronounce the words. His Orcish is much better than your Elvish. You remember gilear speaks high elvish. You will make a mandate that he can only speak to you in high elvish. (You rather he not speak to you at all but if he must, have it be useful) The food will come and it will be a lot of brown and red and white. You will drink more ice water, your leg will begin to shake the table as you think about calories and workouts and going up a size and… Ragh will put his hand on your leg. You stop. How embarrassing. Ragh won't look embarrassed. He will look like he loves you. You love him too. He will place a kiss to your hand and feed you bits of bread and stew and you will talk. It will feel good, great in fact. You never realize how hungry you are until you get to what you worked out for 5 hours for. You eat a good third of the meal. You pay for all of it. 

7:15 pm: You and Ragh make out in his car. His hand will slide up your chest and you will begin to shy away from him and he will stop immediately. Him ever the gentleman, you ever the coward. You tell him to keep going, just avoid your chest. His hands will slide down your ribs as if he's counting each one like you do in the morning. His hands will settle under your thighs and slowly move up towards your ass. You will remember the seniors in fighter class. You will ask to stop and just cuddle for a little bit before you have dance practice. He will oblige. What a good boyfriend, what a terrible tease he's shackled to. He will place kisses on your forehead and cheeks and shoulders. He will tell you how beautiful (you're not) and strong (he's just placating you) you are and that he loves you (you don't deserve this. Love and affection is something to be earned and you haven't). You tell him how gorgeous (he is) and resilient (he must be, to be seen in public with garbage like you) and warm he is (you might just be cold. You've been cold a lot lately). You will say that you love him. That will be the truth. He will drive you to practice. You will probably drive him away. 

8:00 pm: Dance practice. You have two solos you are working on. One is a traditional high elvish piece, the other a contemporary. You like the contemporary more, gives you more freedom of movement, but the elvish piece is prettier and makes your mama tear up when she sees it. During your practice, some high elves will look at your ass and laugh. You hear nigger whispered among them. You will make their parents mourn later. You're an Augefort Owlbear, murder is not a crime to you. Your coach will tell you you're doing very well. That you might have a shot of winning regionals. He will squeeze your cheeks in that way that tells you only bad things and weighs you in his office. You're down 12 pounds. Good. You try to fit into your costume. It fits perfectly everywhere but your legs and ass. They stick out too much. Bad. You have legs like a frog and a body to match, thanks Mama, thanks bloodrush. Your coach will ask you to lose 8 pounds only in your legs. You will get the costume tailored instead. 

10:15 pm: You call the hangman over. He will be there in 15 minutes. You go into the bathroom to change. The high elves from earlier wrote slurs on the mirror you use. Again. You will take a picture. You will spit into a rag (ever your father's son) and wipe it off. You will not cry. You'll change clothes. You will walk outside to where their car is. You drag them out and shoot them with your crossbow like the ball did daybreak. You will tell them that if they ever try that shit with you again you're gonna bury them in the Mountains of Madness and let Goblins shit in their eye sockets. They shit themselves. You will think you've gotten the message across. The hangman will come. You will lie down and sleep for a little bit. A power nap will help you get ready to do the homework that languishes in your bag. Bike will take you home, scared for its master.

10:43 pm: You will wake up when you get home. You will feel, nothing. Nothing, when Cathilda and Mama ask how you would feel spending a couple weeks with your grandfather (you think it would be nice to just vibe and be microagressed for two weeks), nothing when you do your homework, nothing when Bike calls out to you to play fetch with a high elf's severed forearm. You'll think it's nice for a moment, this emptiness. Every emotion, every thought, washed away like the suds from your 97 dollar shampoo down the drain. It feels freeing. It feels unearned. You will put on a face mask. It will have a hard time sticking due to your tiny pores. 

12:15 am: You will lie awake at night. You will turn over so you are face down on one of your many pillows. You will cry. Soft at first, making sure to wake no one (No one likes a whiny child), and keep crying. You will cross your arms over themselves and push down on yourself so it feels like you're being held. A voice in your head will say "How pathetic. How undeserving you are of the Seacaster name, blubbering like a baby over what? A few skipped meals?? A few dead pirates? A few slurs on a mirror??? You have one bad day and suddenly you think you're the king of depression. You aren't depressed. You're a spoiled brat fabian. Your friends died for you. The least you can do is Grow up and stop crying" you do not know who this person sounds like. It sounds like Papa, it sounds like Mama, it sounds like Adaine, it sounds like you. You think of how your mother would dress at your funeral. Would she break out the sweat pants to sob over her baby in an urn next to his father? You think of how Cathilda will dress, having to clean the two jars on the mantle. Would she cry for you? Would gilear? Would the Bad Kids? Would anyone? So young, so unexpected. You don't think it would be unexpected. You are a Seacaster. You will stop thinking of a beam across your chest and sword in your eye and your sword in Papa's chest. You will stop thinking about your Mama's stash she keeps for company and the pool and who would find you first, Cathilda, Bike or a vulture? You are a Seacaster and you will cry until there is nothing left to cry out. You will go to sleep. You will try not to dream of hell and a Papa who'd be so disappointed to see you like this. 

4:00 am: Get up, dawn is coming and with it training with your mother and Cathilda. Work out by yourself to take initiative. 100 extra crunches and an extra 45 minutes of stretching because you and Ragh had Orcish food last night. You will weigh yourself. 169.0. You went up 7 ounces. You will not go to school today. You will sit in your room with the mirrors covered, doors and windows locked and tears in your eyes. You will text Fig for her to record all your lessons and text Cathilda to roll your shot under your door. You will get up and wipe the tears from your eyes. Make that 200 extra crunches, 200 extra push ups and 90 minutes of stretching. Someone will knock. You will not answer.


End file.
